This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
