I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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