and you said cock pushups were impossible
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
