Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
