I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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