Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
