I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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