We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
