You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
