Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
God I need to hump something, right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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