I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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