DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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