after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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