Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just found a bag of teeth...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
