There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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