i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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