"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
