I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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