no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
