I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
