he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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