i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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