When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
