Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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