Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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