Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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