Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
