just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
