Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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