I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
