my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
