my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
