I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
