when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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