he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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