Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
