Are we in a gay sports bar?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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