I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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