i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
