It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
