he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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