im six kinds of drunk right now
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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