Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
