Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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