Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
