God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
