I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
someone owes me an orgasm
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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