Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
