So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
