Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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