Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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